Monday, May 17, 2010

The Return of Severus Snake...

For this Monday Funday, I thought I'd take a departure from talking about stalking serial killers, climbing fences, and grandmothers who cheat at Scrabble, and just plain crazy neighbors to discuss a topic that is near and dear to my heart...ME.

As many of you fun folks know, I live in the Sunshine State (aka the Seventh Circle of Hell) where cock roaches are as big as your fist and can sometimes fly, spiders can kill you, and snakes are everywhere. Which is the one thing that scares me the most...SNAKES. And, I'm not just talking about 'ooh look! scary!' I'm talking about rooted to the spot, whole-body trembling, pee-in-your-pants fear.

Example: When my little brother was three, I took him to the circus. He begged me to take him over to the clown with the big-ass yellow snake to get his picture taken. I didn't want to, but really, how can you say no to such a face as his? I told myself I could do it, and then walked over there with him. About ten feet from the snake, I just stopped. My feet wouldn't go another step, and little guy just kept tugging and yelling, "Come on, Sis!" I just couldn't do it, so like the coward I am, I sent him forward without me, watching from a distance as he hammed it up for his photo with the snake.

Cut to six months ago during a particularly brutal cold snap. I was walking out to my car when I just so happened to look down and see the mother of all snakes, curled up at the entrance to my garage. His head was lifted slightly, his forked tongue waving at me, licking at the air and deciding whether I might taste good enough to take a little bite.

Screaming like a little girl, I ran to the passenger door of my car (I would have had to pass by him to get to the driver side door) and slammed into it. Hyperventilating, I climbed over the center console, got the car started and peeled out of the garage. As the garage door was closing behind me, I watched in horror as this HUGE monster slithered into my garage. EEK!!!!

I did the only thing I could think to do. I drove to my friend's house and between panicked breaths, told her about my new tenant. "It was this long!" I shrieked holding my hands as far apart as they would go. "And, it was as big around as my arm! You have to help me!"

My friend just laughed. "I'm sure it's not venomous. It probably just wanted to get in where it was warm. It is cold out."

"I don't want him anywhere near my house!" I yelled. Clearly, she did not understand how difficult having this tenant would be for me.

So, she rode back to my house with me. As soon as the garage door opened, she hopped out and waltzed right in. Then, she laughed, and she laughed, and she laughed.

I rolled down my window and stuck my head out. Hey, I was not stepping foot anywhere that he could get me! "I fail to see what is so funny here," I grumbled.

She reached down and picked up the black snake. "Here's your monster," she guffawed. "It's just a baby."

Okay, so maybe it wasn't more than a foot long and no thicker than my pinky finger, but it's still a snake and it's scary.

The minute she released him, he slithered across the driveway and away from the house as fast as his little snake body could take him. That was the last I saw of him for nearly five months.

I saw him just last month, during another cooler day. He was sunning himself on my driveway. Really, he just wanted to get warm, I told myself. I guess I'll just have to get used to this tenant. My driveway seems to be his preferred sunspot.

As per the title, I have named him Severus Snake, and as long as he keeps his distance, everything will be okay...I hope...


  1. LOL! See, snakes don't bother me at all, not even the venomous ones. However, CLOWNS are another thing entirely.

    Clowns are creepy. *shudders*

  2. Yes, Linda, Clowns are creepy too, but well I can run faster than a clown...well, I think I can :)

  3. If his name's Severus, maybe he's a double agent snake, and is secretly working to protect you from other snakes because he loves you?

    Just a thought... :D


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