Things I Know to be True and Other Falsehoods...

I am a lurker. I will admit it. I belong to many on-line writing communities, Twitter, Facebook...Hell, I've even been known to blog-stalk many a writer or agent, and quite frequently, I might add. There have been times, I've cut in with a snarky reply/comment, but mostly, I do simply what a lurker does best. I slink back into the shadows and watch and wait.

I lurk.

During the course of my recent lurking endeavors, I've picked some valuable information, gleaning bits of wisdom from blogs and random tweets. Today is the day that I share this sage advice with all my lovelies. I know. I know. You love me. You don't know how you ever lived without me and my blog before. To tell you the truth, I really don't have an answer to that. Just go with it. I am here, and you are glad of it. End of story.

Uh...okay...Ego much, Karla?

So, anywho...Here we go. Don't say I never did anything for you!

1. Not only do agents want to you to follow up on your long-ass boring query letters, but they absolutely love it when you email them--while they are closed to queries--to demand to know if said agent has worked out a publishing deal. I don't know about you fine folks, but I NEVER knew that. It's wonderful news, indeed!
2. Sending a letter to Oprah about your book virtually guarantees you not only an agent but a publishing contract. This no-fail plan has been added to my list of things that I simply must do when I begin querying my next book. It'll work like a charm!
3. In order to get a three-book deal, you must formulate a strict writing routine and stick to it. It helps if you also eat moldy toast. Just ask Tawna Fenske. I have to admit that I am actually going to try this. I went to the store just last night and purchased some day-old rye bread. In a few days, I will be dining on penicillin. Go ahead! You can congratulate me on the deal now. :)
4. Contests are the best thing since sliced--er, moldy--bread! Especially, when you've already been assured of winning...Wait? Elizabeth, you did promise that I'd win, right? RIGHT?!?!?
5. If you demand a $50 million advance for four books, someone will pay it! Wow! Wait just a minute while I change the wording in my query letter to extol the virtues of paying me so much for my novels. Oh, that's only for people like Janet Evanovich? Can someone get me her agent's number? I'm sure if I employ the tactics I learned from #1 and #2, he'll take me on in a heartbeat!
6. When aliens abduct you, they give parting gifts!! Yes, friends. It's true. My dearest blog buddy, Kelly, just got an iPad from said aliens. Hmmm...I hope they didn't do anything to terrible to her...like make her slow dance with them. That would be very traumatic!
7. Geography can be so funny! Just ask Linda Grimes, and she will tell you all about South China ;)

Well, that's it for my pearls of wisdom today, friends. Have I missed any other important tidbits that need to be spread around? Please tell me in the comments!